New perspectives on old Problems brings hope for the future.

by Chris on October 18, 2009

Well it’s been over a month since I last wrote in my diary, and a lot has happened since then.

First, I have had a MAJOR revamp on my world view, and I now have a dream (my first actual DREAM for my future in years) worth working toward.  I want to reduce my expenses and increase my independent income to the point where I would be free to quit Microsoft and experience freedom of time and location. What was I missing before? Something to DO and GO with that time. What’s the point of having an automated income if you’re just going to sit around, watch TV, sleep, play computer games, and repeat? I read the Four Hour Work Week, which opened my eyes to a new possible life style, filled with making friends, living out adventures instead of watching them on TV, and doing it all without having to be a gazillionaire. This, in turn, has lead me to really begin studying the art of online marketing and promotion. I have a new-found excitement around eCommercePlayer, as well as hope for future projects. Consequently, I haven’t really given my day job the time it needs to succeed, and I need to figure out how to structure that back into my schedule so I don’t lose that job prematurely. Heck, if I can find a way to only spend an hour or two on Microsoft projects and keep my job, I would rather keep it around anyway!

How are my kids doing? Well I think they’re feeling MUCH more stable and happy with their lives than when Gayle and I were separated. I don’t know how much of that comes from our living under the same roof, but I imagine it plays a major role. Kaye and I have a better relationship than we have had in years, and I have hope for the future with her once again. It feels good.  Since my depression has lifted and I have learned to keep my voice calm through the drama, life has become much easier.

How’s my marriage? Well, it seems fantastic some days and ready to fall apart others. Today is definitely one of those other days. The bottom line seems to be that Gayle sees my new-found excitement for the future and control over my emotions as very threatening to her way of life. I recognize that and (daily) tell her that we’re going to be ok, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference.  She has a mood disorder, which is getting more and more clear to me every day, and it will take time to stabilize. Until then, I will remain faithful and patient by her side, enjoying our good times and biting my lip through the not so good ones, attending marriage counseling all the while.

Do I think it’s possible our marriage could end soon? Yes I do. Will I take steps to keep it together as well as avoid steps that could tear it apart? Of course I will. I don’t think we really have a chance to truly evaluate our relationship until we’re both mentally and emotionally stable. She wants to own a home (with an arbitrary value of $300,000 or higher), while after owning 8 homes and having nothing to show for it, I would rather live the free life of a renter while I get my life back back on track. She experiences moments of near-panic anxiety over being a renter, and then she turns that anger toward me in the for of blame for our situation and measures my love for her by how quickly I respond to her demands. I will remain steady in hopes that she will eventually learn to measure my love in other ways. That’s going to take time, as the first 15 years are full of that behavior and I am only just now recognizing it and trying to make course corrections in how we interact.

If she cannot do so and we end up apart yet again, I have a new-found hope in my ability to be an excellent father and give my kids the life education they need to succeed before they grow up and move out. It’s taken me two separations and a lot of drama to get to this point, but I’m glad I’m here. I want to live out my life with my kid’s mom, making year after year of amazing memory, learning to love more every day. But if that isn’t in my future, I will still have an amazing life and show my kids how to do the same. It feels good to feel so empowered in the face of so much chaos.

Here’s the irony of it all: I suspect that my view into the world and our relationship is exactly what we need to finally work out the issues separating us and bring us closer than ever before!

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