Tough times with the wife…

by Chris on September 12, 2009

I don’t know what’s happening with Gayle right now. Things seemed to be going so well, then she slowly started distancing herself from me.  Now I’m afraid that she may be on her way out of the marriage again…

Last week she was reading my email and she found a conversation between Jamie and I, a girl I had chatted with online and checks in on me from time to time. I have never met her in person, only spoke to her on the phone during her lunch break once or twice, and have no desire to put my marriage on the line to get to know her in any way. I had sent her an invite to Facebook before Gayle and I every reconciled, and she popped up June 29th to ask how I was doing, and to tell me that she had met someone and was engaged to be married herself. I had actually decided to remove any non-work or family related females from my Facebook as a gesture of commitment to our marriage, but Gayle told me that would be stupid, and then she started finding and adding ex-boyfriends from her teen-years to hers. I tried to be mature and supportive and decided not to make a big deal about it, but it of course does scare me, given the events of the past few years. I decided to leave Jamie on as a friend, given Gayle’s attitude and I think also because I hoped someday it would convince her to stop trying to rekindle friendships with her ex’s. I know it was silly, but quickly forgot about it and left it where it was. She asked me again on September 4th and I gave a similar friendly response. Both times I made it clear that I was committed to my marriage and thanked her for her concern.  I meant to tell Gayle about these conversations on both occasions, as I obviously had nothing to hide.  Gayle has had very similar conversation with actual men she has had full sexual relationships with, such as Chris Martinez and a couple other “boys”, and I have been accepting of it. I never felt like my conversations were in any way cheating, but I knew Gayle would still be curious about them and wanted to avoid any misunderstanding.  Well, things didn’t work out that way, and Gayle found this thread before I remembered to bring it up with her. Of course, like always, she assumes I was lying to her, meant to keep it from her, and that I obviously want to be with her. I immediately wrote off the accusations as insecurity, apologized to her for not telling her about it, and tried to be supportive and sensitive, without going so far as to support her suspicion that I was doing anything wrong.

Well for the past week now, Gayle has been extremely cold to me, sleeping on her edge of a king size mattress, avoiding most eye contact with me, making me feel very unloved and resented. While I was gone in Seattle this past Mon-Thurs, she spoke to her mom telling her that she was unhappy with me and missed Mike (the man she was with during our last separation). She also texted him, intentionally behind my back, with full intentions to keep it a secret from me. She claims she sent him a messaging asking him to delete any remaining porn videos they made together, but since she deleted the text I have no way of knowing the complete truth. I have decided to simply believe her but the fact that she always accuses me of lying makes me wonder if it’s because she isn’t being honest herself…

While I was in Seattle, she told me one night that she missed Mike and that she had talked to her mom about the fact that she isn’t “getting through to me”, with or without Rich’s help, that I wasn’t taking care of myself, and that I usually stank and didn’t shower. I was of course offended, since I showered daily, and even shaved and wore aftershave just for her, all the time. She also mentioned that she somehow had word that Mike was going to be on TV since he’s now a bodyguard for some famous person, but wasn’t clear how she got that info.

I found out about her texts to Mike earlier this evening, and she was very cold about it, basically saying she did nothing wrong and that it’s the same thing as Jamie contacting me. I barely knew Jamie, and certainly didn’t have any reason to “miss” her the way she misses Mike. I was never even in the same room, let alone have sex with her. My friendship with Jamie was EXTREMELY respectful and innocent, and other than Facebook I have no connections with her. She is now happily married, and knows I am focused on my marriage. There is no threat. Gayle on the other hand, told me that she would not contact Mike (or Chris T, Alex’s bio-dad) without letting me know about it first. She slept with bio-dad (in my bed), insists on giving him parental rights to Alex even though to this day he refuses to even acknowledge that he exists, and God only knows what all she did with Mike, and no doubt wishes she could do again and again. She’s stuck with a boring white guy when she craves a younger, muscular “super-star”. How will I ever compete with that? On top of everything, I found out today, again behind my back, that she has secretly been saving a voice mail of Chris T on her phone, supposedly from two years ago, either way I knew nothing about it. So she has all of these secret “memories” and talks to people whenever she wants. I never initiated conversation with Jamie after Gayle and I reconciled, and defended my marriage with every communication. Even though comparing my friendship with Jamie to Gayle’s affair with Mike is insane.

On top of everything else, Gayle last week mentioned that she thought I should buy the house around the corner for an office, even though they’re asking 120K for it with is WAY over priced. Could it be that she’s starting round three? Time to move me out to make room for something or someone else? My kids don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it. I’m just screaming inside because I try to please her and do everything I can to respect and please her, and nothing I ever do is good enough. I am not good enough. No man is I suspect, which basically what I think her mom told her earlier this week.

Now I’m lost and confused. How am I supposed to react? What am I supposed to do or say? Should I just pretend everything she did is ok and wait for her to stop punishing me, like I have done repeatedly in the recent past? Is the madness ever going to end? Will she ever see me for who I *KNOW* I am, appreciate me for my love and loyalty, and allow herself to be satisfied by me? Should I just give up on the whole thing and try to move into a small house (or my garage) to see if it helps her to see what she would be missing? I feel like she should already know that by now, with her last to “vacations” from the marriage. I’m just so insulted and hurt by all of this, it’s so not fair. All I want is to be happy, with my beautiful wife and six+ kids, to trust one another, forgive one another, believe one another’s motives and suspicions. I can’t tell anymore when she’s like this if it’s because of medication, or genuine resentment toward being stuck with me. Even when she says she’ll never leave me, it feels like she’s agreeing to a life sentence.

And now here I am, gone three days a week. Seems like it’s getting worse by the minute. I just hope I can hold on until I have a chance to talk to Rich (our counselor) again…

For what it’s worth, here is the entire conversation on Facebook between Jamie and I: The texting Jamie refers too took place in December/January and was basically my telling her I was engaged to Megan, and I sent her the friends request in February, ironically the day before Gayle attempted suicide.

Jamie June 29 at 8:24pm

Hey you….so, when you added me on here I was trying to put 2 and 2 together, and finally logged on here again and did lol. You were a little evasive when I was texting you a while back and asking about you getting married, and so now, I *think* I know why… Sooo, tell me how the 3rd time around is going and how you ended up there again? Quite a fun story to be able to tell, I would think. 🙂 Hope all is well and I’m
looking forward to hearing from you!

Chris June 29 at 11:36pm

I was evasive? Sorry I didn’t mean to be I swaer! 🙂
I was engaged to someone I met shortly after you and I stopped talking, and four months later realized that she was a serious narcotics addict and I was more or less her meal ticket, and got out of that relationship while I still could. Shortly after that Gayle and I reconciled, and are both attending counseling (individually and together) trying to work through all of the hurt and trust issues caused by the past year. We’re al together now in Longview (we moved to a smaller home) and I’m seeing amazing healing with the kids as a result. Only time will tell if I’m doing the right thing, but so far it feels best for everyone.
So how are things going in you life? Did things work out with the guy you met in Chehalis? I was hoping to hear from you at some point, since I need to know what to pray for to help you get where you need to go! 🙂

Jamie June 30 at 9:29am

Lol, it’s okay!
That’s too bad about the woman that was a narcotics addict, yikes! But, I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason (and God has our plan in place!), so your relationship with her must have just been a road bump to get you where you needed to go! 🙂 I’m really happy that things are going well with you and Gayle! I thought you must have moved back to Salem so I’m glad to hear you stayed in Longview…such a pretty place! 🙂
As for me…I’m doing great! I also got married and am living in Longview as well. Mike has 2 boys so we have a houseful as well, but man is life ever good.
I haven’t really gotten in to this facebook business too much yet (obviously I only have 2 friends lol)…but it’s sure great to hear back from you and to know you are doing so well!
Take care and hopefully I’ll hear from you soon! 🙂

Jamie September 4 at 4:07pm

Hey…just wanted to see how you are doing? I’ve been thinking of you and keeping you all in my prayers

Chris September 4 at 5:12pm

Thanks Jamie, we’re going to weekly counseling, and while it gets tough at times, it seems to get better every week. Thanks for your prayers, they are very much appreciated. How’s Jamie doing? Is everythning ok? Let me know what I can pray for and I most certainly will. 🙂

Jamie September 4 at 5:33pm

I’m so glad to hear it’s going well and keeps getting better! I’ll continue to pray! We are great…Just trying to get back in the groove of school and sports. Crazy times!

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